There’s been a lot of times lately, where my heart just feels like it cannot hold more. Hold more love. Hate. Pain. Anxiety. Doing anything requires double the amount of energy because I have to spend so much time in my own mind. And forget about trying to have anyone understand. And in the rare case that they do, hold on to them ever so gently.
And that’s the hard part. That when our hearts ache our journey can feel so alone. Like we’ve climbed to the top of the mountain just to scream our lungs out to the vast emptiness.
And you don’t understand. The anxiety. Feeling afraid, physically and mentally, to do something you know rationally shouldn’t ache you this way.
Try harder they tell you. You’re suppose to be an adult they tell you. They tell you this and they tell you that. But they never ask why. They never ask why. They never ask, “are you okay?”
I experienced a couple unusual moments after my son was born. I battled a few panic attacks. And let me tell you, I thought I was going to die. It’s something I’ll never forget.
My heart raced and I was shaking. I experienced more fear in those few moments than I ever had. I paced. And then I paced some more. I got my headsets out to listen to music but with no previal. I felt weak. Like everything was closing in on me. And you know what I wanted? I just wanted someone to hold me and tell me it was going to be okay.
I want you to know that it’s okay. That everything is going to be okay. That you are strong and independent and that you’ve had a rough journey, some trying times, but they’ve shaped you and they’ve carried you. They drifted you like a leaf in the wind. Twisting and turning. Twirling at times, like a beautiful ballet dancer.
But those times also brought you a lot of baggage of anxiety. A suitcase overflowing at the steams, screaming, let me out!
You’re going to find someone to share your soul with. You’re going to find that person who is going to hold you at these times and tell you, with a giant bear hug, every single thing is going to be okay.
Because that’s what I believe our journey is all about. Finding ourselves in unusual ways and sharing ourselves with someone that makes our soul happy. And you’re world is going to fall into place.
“It’s not the load that breaks you down, it’s the way you carry it” Lou Holtz
However you carry it. It’s okay. And when you find someone to share it with, you’ll feel light as a feather.
Take cover, when your heart aches. But don’t run away. Be strong. Because you’re going to make it through this like you always have.
praying for love & happiness! Mama to mama!
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